8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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