Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
