AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
