I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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