I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
