My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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