so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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