Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
