Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
