you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
