"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
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