dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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