Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
