Whod you bang
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
