I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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