Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
