How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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