see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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