I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's shark week go big or go home
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
