I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
