as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
