I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
