I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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