the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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