I am midnight drunk by noon
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
