If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
