Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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