Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
