Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
