it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
