Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
