when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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