Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
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my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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