I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
