Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
