His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
