U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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