Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
