Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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