I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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