I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
