I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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