two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.