i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...