bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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