Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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