Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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