Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
