I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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