I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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