im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
