I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
