you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
