i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
